Coping
by henriettaline
Summary: Post S4E6 and S4E9. After Finn's "no contact" demand, Rachel thinks about why it doesn't seem to hurt more; after they talk, she hopes that he too will find a way forward.
1. Chapter 1

_No contact._

It should hurt more than it does, she thinks, to hear the man she wanted to be her only love tell her that he didn't want to hear from her. Or see her, or hear her sing (that last being worst since they always needed that, they'll never understand each other again without that).

Maybe it's just one more thing, added to the pile, and the pile's already large enough that it's not remarkable to have one more thing on it.

Maybe it's because it's what she was doing anyway – she hadn't come to see him, she hadn't called since she broke up with him, she hadn't wanted to talk after the show, he's the one who came after her. She has been trying to give him space to get his life together, she needs her own, and no matter how much "You're the One that I Want" played on her heartstrings, no matter how he was starting to charm her all over again with his caring about how she was doing, and his sweet little joke, she has to stay the course, for both their sakes.

Maybe it's because it's what she had before. From not talking to her after he had sent her off on that train, to cutting off all communication while he was in Georgia, to the week he'd spent largely sulking in New York, to his refusal to sing, to his freezing her out, leaving in the middle of the night, and then not answering her calls – is there _less_ contact than that? She had been impressed with the musical and happy to see that he was enjoying doing something again, all the better since it involved music, but other than that it had felt like an interruption of what had become normal, a view into a past that was gone.

She lives in New York. He had sent her there and told her that he couldn't live with himself if he got in the way of her following her dreams to be a star, and so she had gone. She had tried to make the best of it, refocus on her goals and her work. She has to keep doing that.

She can't do it with a hole in her heart the size of the Empire State Building. She can't do it feeling torn in half, needing him and worrying about him and how he was doing, worrying about when she would see him again and how he was going to react and why it still seems so important to him that she'd kissed someone else instead of that it had happened because some other man had been there for her when he wasn't.

God, it was so two years ago. She had known she couldn't do it again, let him stalk off and just wait to see what he was going to do next. He had left her hanging, again, and she couldn't take it so she'd pulled the plug. She doesn't know what else he could have expected her to do.

If she is going to follow her dreams, to become a star, she can't cope with this. Not now, she had told him, and she meant it. Not while she is struggling to get established, in a cutthroat school where any weakness is pounced on as evidence of not being good enough. Not while she has to deal with Cassandra July, the dance teacher who seems far more intent on teaching her some twisted form of "life lessons" than teaching dance, and is doing her best to push her out of the class she needs to learn from the most.

_You think I don't have enough wounds, Cassandra? I have wounds. I could show you the scars but then you would know where they are. I just know I can't let them hold me back._

So, "no contact". Which given that he had chased after her at McKinley, not the other way around, seems to mean "don't come here". Well if Finn wanted Lima in the breakup, he could have it, even tell their friends (_his friends_) whatever he liked about why she didn't come home for Thanksgiving. Aside from Kurt they all seemed to have cut her loose once she got on that train anyway. Even Quinn, who would have been good to talk to, was now acting evasive about visiting, as if it hadn't been her plan in the first place.

It all seems so very high school. Well she can't act like she is in high school any more, she has a much bigger fight on her hands. She can't let herself slide back into three years ago when she thought she could sustain a relationship with Finn by her own actions alone; nor into two years ago when she begged him to forgive her, gave him space when he asked, just to have him head for the nearest cheerleader again; nor into last year, when she was ready to give him anything, support him and his dreams only to find out he didn't really have any he knew of and didn't want her to be with him while he found them. She wasn't blameless, she knows, any of those times or now, all the more reason to not live it all again.

She has to go forward. She had thought that was what they were doing. She had thought that was what he wanted her to do.

Maybe someday he would do it too, and their "forwards" could be together. She does know that being around her right now isn't helping him, and being torn by him isn't helping her.

Even though deep down she knows that the hole in her heart can't be filled by anyone else, it can only be walled off to help her cope with everything else she has to do.


	2. Chapter 2

They talk, and it's good.

After her song, and the encore, and seeing Kurt shine, and her win – especially her win – well there was only one thing missing, so she calls him. She wonders if he knows she doesn't butt-dial, ever.

She hopes he understands, she's following her dream like he told her to. Like he made her do, and no matter how devastated she was at the train station, she wouldn't be where she is now without it. She wouldn't be where she is now without him. So she didn't call to give him a pep talk about Glee and what really matters, or to tell him about her win, she just wanted to talk to him and hear his voice. The other things, they happened too. The bit about wanting him to promise not to give up on his dream – she'd always meant to say that when she could.

It's a very good night for her, all round.

And yes she kissed Brody, because she wanted to. Not like the other kiss, with her lonely and vulnerable, him as a sort of New York mentor pushing at the boundaries he'd said he would respect – she's in charge. She likes being in charge, it's different. She's done with letting people push her around, or putting up with them running away from her.

She's not looking for a new love of her life. She might be looking to date, see where it goes a little, have someone around. It helps her be alive, like Kurt sang. Who knows, she's been wondering for a while if there's something there so she's going to see if there is. Everyone else, the ones who don't fall deeply in love in high school, they do this, go out with people, spend time together. They have relationships that aren't the end of the world, and maybe it helps them better handle the ones that are. It's nice to have another hand touch hers, another arm around her shoulders, even if they're really too small. And she can't just be waiting, even if part of her is.

It's Christmastime. She didn't grow up with it, only with the music. But she loves a lot of the songs, and the message of love and rebirth. For Hanukkah they light candles, to celebrate the endurance of light and the victory of faith and courage. This time of year, the sky is so dark, but everyone celebrates the light, the hope of light returning.

She hopes. She's even willing to admit that she hopes, at least a little. Hopes that the man who came to her a shell of himself and then ran is finding himself again, and finding his true self, the one that only shone through before when he let it. Finding the music within his heart and soul. He was her match on that Nationals stage, and here she is winning her first showcase at the most prestigious performing arts school there is. That should tell him something. That should tell everyone something about the man that is Finn Hudson, what he can do and who he can be.

One of the things he can do, of course, is save New Directions. He's done it a few times before. And hopefully he will save himself while he's at it. She knows he's proud, he would want to do it himself. He certainly wasn't letting her, though she hopes what she said tonight will help.

He didn't answer her when she asked him to promise not to give up on his dream. She hopes that's a good sign, that it had impact. Maybe even that he understood that she hopes she could still be part of that dream. If she isn't – well, he said he couldn't live with himself if he got in the way of her dream, and that works both ways. He did show her that sometimes love is about letting go.


End file.
